just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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