apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
