Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
