I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
