oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
