Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
