Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
