So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
