You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
