I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
