Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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