A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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