Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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