Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
