She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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