dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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