There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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