did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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