Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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