and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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