A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
