I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
