I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just puked most of my soul out..
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
