worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Of course I have a pirate flag
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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