How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
