she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
