you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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