You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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