You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I love you. Go after that dick
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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