I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
