u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
