I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
