Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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