The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
