I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
me + whiskey = a bad person
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
