A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
