If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
