I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
