I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She announced her abortion via fbk
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
