What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
