Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
