I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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