My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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