He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
