Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
