haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
