dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
