So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
