End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
