when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
