Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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