He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
